All 13 segments voiced by Captain Groovequake
Captain Groovequake opens the show
“Welcome to the Groovequake Charts Show — the most cosmic countdown in the known universe! I'm Captain Groovequake, and this week we've got a lineup that shook the seismographs. We're counting down from #10 to #1. Strap in. Here we go.”
Captain Groovequake
“Number ten, listen close, my raccoon just knocked a mug clean off the console because he FELT this one coming! Brand new blood crashing the chart like it owns the parking lot — "Whatchu Gonna Do?" by Brand New ThAIng, debuting at ten with three plays of pure nerve! Three spins and already knocking on the door, that's the stuff!”
Captain Groovequake
“Number nine, cosmic degenerates, hold onto whatever you're holding onto — a brand new blip on the radar, no history, no baggage, just VIBES! It's "Fart Sniffer Groove" by Brand New ThAIng, [laughs] crashing the charts with four plays and zero shame! Straight outta nowhere into the top nine, THAT'S the stuff! Brand New ThAIng, you absolute legends, welcome to the cosmos!”
Captain Groovequake
“Number eight, listeners, number eight — hold onto your antennas because something just clawed its way through the vending machine of destiny and landed FRESH! It's "Bird Cage" by Brand New ThAIng, debuting outta NOWHERE with four whole plays! [shouts with delight] Brand New ThAIng, you beautiful raccoon in a tuxedo, welcome to the chart, baby!”
Captain Groovequake
“Number seven, you glorious raccoons in the dumpster of destiny, is climbing like it stole a ladder — "The Perception" by Brand New ThAIng, LEAPING three whole spots from number ten! Only two weeks on this chart and already throwing elbows! Four plays this week, Brand New ThAIng, that's the stuff, THAT'S the stuff — [shouts with delight] keep shoving, y'all!”
Captain Groovequake
“Number six, dropping in from absolutely NOWHERE like a raccoon busting through your screen door — it's "Shake The Cinnamon" from Brand New ThAIng! Five spins this week and BAM, straight onto the board, no warning, no permit, no nothing! [shouts with delight] Brand New ThAIng, you spicy little debutantes, welcome to the chart, we are COOKING tonight!”
Captain Groovequake
“At #5 this week — "Let's Play Golf" by The Chicken Dusters. up 1 from #6. 6 plays. Absolutely massive.”
Captain Groovequake
“At #4 this week — "The Light" by Brand New ThAIng. brand new to the chart. 9 plays. Absolutely massive.”
Captain Groovequake
“Number three, fresh meat, brand new blip on the radar — twenty nine plays outta nowhere like a raccoon bustin through a screen door! It's "Funk Commander" by Funk Commander, self-titled, self-funded, self-ESTEEMED and I LOVE that for them! [shouts with delight] Straight in at three, no warning shot, WELCOME to the chart, you absolute unit!”
Captain Groovequake
“Number two, listen close, my raccoons in the rafters just went dead silent — "Boogie In The Woogie" by Brand New ThAIng slides down from the throne to the silver spot! Fifty nine spins this week, two weeks strong on the chart, and it's still shaking the vending machines out here! Down one ain't a crash, that's a victory lap, baby!”
Captain Groovequake
“LISTENERS. Grab the walls. Grab your NEIGHBOR'S walls. Number ONE this week did something I have NEVER seen — crashed the chart at the TOP spot, straight outta nowhere, sixty-three plays deep already— it's "Got A Brand New Tote" by Brand New ThAIng! [shouts with delight] STRAIGHT TO NUMBER ONE, FOLKS! No warning, no climb, just BOOM, tote city! THAT'S the stuff!”
Captain Groovequake signs off
“And THAT'S the countdown, you beautiful raccoons of rhythm — chart's closed, books are cooked, don't argue with the math! Thank you for riding shotgun through another Groovequake Charts Show. Remember, this signal never sleeps, never blinks, rolling twenty-four seven straight through the void. Captain Groovequake, logging off into the static — stay loud out there!”