All 13 segments voiced by Captain Groovequake
Captain Groovequake opens the show
“Raccoons of Groovequake, hold onto your antennas — the week of August 16, 2026 has arrived, and the chart gods are throwing folding chairs. Something at Number One clawed its way up through pure chaos, and I am legally required to build suspense before I say it. Ten down to one, folks. Let's countdown.”
Captain Groovequake
“Number ten, fresh meat on the vending machine of destiny, a brand new entry straight outta nowhere with just three plays — three! — and it's already roosting in the top ten. Give it up for The Prairie Creek Massacre with "Crows on Telephone Wires ". Three spins to claim a perch this high? [whispers conspiratorially] the birds know something we don't.”
Captain Groovequake
“Number nine, you raccoons in headphones — number nine! A fresh signal just crawled through the static and planted a flag, straight in at number nine, no warning, no permit, nothing. "Back To You" by Brand New ThAIng, four plays this week and already kicking down the door like it owns the building. Welcome to the chart, you absolute menace!”
Captain Groovequake
“Number eight, and folks, hold onto your antennas — it's "The Thing" by Brand New ThAIng, cratering down from the number one throne like a raccoon falling off a vending machine. Seven spots down, only four plays this week. [sighs heavily] Three weeks on the chart and gravity finally noticed you exist. We still love you, ThAIng.”
Captain Groovequake
“Climbing up from the basement, position number seven, one whole spot up from number eight — it's "I'm Sick " by The Prairie Creek Massacre! Four plays this week, two weeks strong on the chart, and I am [shouts with delight] FERAL about it! Prairie Creek Massacre, you beautiful maniacs, keep clawing your way up my chart!”
Captain Groovequake
“Number six, listen close, raccoons — climbing three whole spots like it stole a ladder from destiny itself! It's "Forever War " from The Prairie Creek Massacre, up from a measly nine to a glorious six! [shouts with delight] Five plays this week, two weeks on the chart, and somewhere out there Prairie Creek is grinning like a haunted vending machine!”
Captain Groovequake
“Sliding into the number five slot like a raccoon into an unlocked dumpster — it's "And Let It Rain" by Brand New ThAIng! Down one lousy notch from last week's number four, folks, but don't you dare weep into your cereal. Four weeks strong on this chart. Brand New ThAIng, the cosmos tips its hat to you.”
Captain Groovequake
“Number four, you glorious raccoons in the trash can of destiny — climbing one whole spot like a possum defying gravity itself! It's "The Light" by Brand New ThAIng, seven spins strong, three weeks deep in the countdown trenches. Brand New ThAIng, [shouts with delight] you beautiful cosmic weirdos — the void salutes you!”
Captain Groovequake
“Number three, dust off your funeral suit, folks — this one clawed its way UP from the dirt at number ten straight into the top three like it dug its own tunnel out of the charts basement. "Grave to the Garden" — eight plays, two weeks strong. The Prairie Creek Massacre, you beautiful ghouls, you did it.”
Captain Groovequake
“Number two, listeners, hold onto your antennas — a brand new blip on the radar, screaming in hot with eleven plays out of absolutely nowhere! It's "The Stuff" by Brand New ThAIng! [shouts with delight] Straight in at number two on debut?! That's not an entrance, that's a home invasion, and I am NOT calling security!”
Captain Groovequake
“Ladies and gentlemen, raccoons, and whatever's listening from the parking lot dimension — we've NEVER seen a debut do this. Straight in. Straight to the TOP. Number one this week, first week out the gate — "Feelin Fine" by Brand New ThAIng, sixty-nine spins strong! [shouts with delight] UNHEARD OF! Vending machines are rattling! Somebody check on my chakras!”
Captain Groovequake signs off
“And that's a wrap on this week's countdown, you beautiful raccoons in the vending machine of the cosmos! Thank you for riding shotgun through every chart shake-up. Remember — this signal never sleeps, it just keeps oozing through the void, twenty-four seven. This is Captain Groovequake, logging off but never logging out. [laughs] Stay groovy.”