All 13 segments voiced by Captain Groovequake
Captain Groovequake opens the show
“Listeners, raccoons, sentient vending machines — welcome back to the Groovequake Weekly Charts Show, week of July 26th, 2026! I've seen some things counting down this chart, folks. Number one this week isn't just a song, it's a full-blown incident. We're going ten to one, nice and slow, so buckle every chakra you own. Let's move.”
CG
“Number ten, listeners, and it stumbled in like a raccoon leaving a casino at sunrise. "The Funkai" by Brand New ThAIng, sliding down five whole notches from a mighty number five. Only six spins this week. Two weeks on the chart and already bruised, but still standing. Brand New ThAIng, the cosmos still loves you, dust yourself off.”
CG
“Number nine, listeners, and my chakras are already vibrating like a vending machine that just ate somebody's last dollar. Brand-new blip on the radar — "Cast A Spell" by Brand New ThAIng, crashing in outta nowhere with six plays. Six! [laughs] Straight outta the void into the charts. Witchcraft confirmed, Brand New ThAIng, you nasty little wizards.”
CG
“Number eight, listeners, and my vending machine just dispensed a raccoon in a top hat, so you know something's shifting in the cosmos. Brand new blip on the radar — it's "New Song" by Brand New ThAIng, crashing the chart with seven plays out of absolutely nowhere! Brand New ThAIng, you glorious mystery — welcome to the party!”
CG
“Number seven, raccoons — fresh meat, straight off the cosmic conveyor belt with zero plays last week and seven plays THIS week [shouts with delight]! It's "Find Your Thaing" by Brand New ThAIng, crashing the chart like a vending machine that finally gave you the chips! Welcome to the party, you beautiful weirdos!”
CG
“Number six on the countdown, fresh meat, first time ever on the board — please digest responsibly, because it's "Ate Too Much" by Brand New ThAIng! Seven plays out of nowhere, that's a debut with teeth, folks. Brand New ThAIng, you crashed the chart like a raccoon through a screen door. Six and climbing, I can feel it!”
CG
“Number five, fresh meat on the countdown, no history, no baggage, just seven plays and pure gasoline. It's "First Love, First Burn" from The Prairie Creek Massacre, [shouts with delight] crashing the chart like a raccoon through a screen door! Seven spins and straight to five, y'all — that's not an entrance, that's a hostile takeover!”
CG
“Number four, listeners, and my hay bale is trembling with anticipation for this one. It's "Final Straw" by Brand New ThAIng, [shouts with delight] leaping four whole spots from number eight like a raccoon escaping a dumpster fire! Eight plays this week, two weeks strong on the chart! Brand New ThAIng, you glorious camel-back-breakers, keep it coming!”
CG
“Number two, listeners, and it came out of absolutely nowhere like a raccoon in a vending machine at three in the morning! Straight in at position two — "Under The AInfluence" by Brand New ThAIng! Twelve plays and a debut this hot? [shouts with delight] Somebody tell the chakras to brace themselves — this one's dangerously groovy!”
CG
“Somewhere out past the last known signal, the charts just did something they have never done before, and I need you to sit with that for one second before I say it out loud. Number ONE this week — straight in, out of absolutely nowhere, no warning, no mercy — it's "And Let It Rain" by Brand New ThAIng, twelve plays and CLIMBING [shouts with delight]! A debut at the top! Unheard of! Let it rain, baby!”
Captain Groovequake signs off
“That's the countdown, sealed in a jar and launched toward whatever's listening out past the dark. Thank you for riding shotgun through every bump, drop, and glorious wrong turn. This stream never sleeps, never blinks, just keeps grooving while you don't. Captain Groovequake, logging off into the static — stay weird, stay tuned.”