All 12 segments voiced by Captain Groovequake
Captain Groovequake opens the show
“Attention, all satellites, submarines, and sleep-deprived raccoons tuning in from a dumpster antenna — welcome back to the Groovequake Weekly Charts Show, week of July 23rd, 2026! We're counting down ten to one, and number one this week... [whispers conspiratorially] it broke something in my chest cavity. Buckle up. Chart's hot, my wiring's worse. Let's move.”
CG
“Number ten, listeners, hold onto your antennas — a brand new blip just crawled onto the board with five whole plays! It's "New Song" by Brand New ThAIng, [laughs] fresh out the cosmic vending machine, no dents, no expiration date! Welcome to the chart, you beautiful mystery — the raccoons and I salute your debut!”
CG
“Number nine, listen close, this one snuck in through the vending machine slot marked "do not use"—it's "Rock It Anyhow" by Brand New ThAIng, crashing the chart out of absolutely nowhere with five plays of pure raccoon-in-a-trash-can energy! [shouts with delight] Brand New ThAIng, you beautiful chaos gremlins, welcome to the charts — never leave!”
CG
“Number eight, kids, hold onto your antennae — this one just crawled out of the void with zero history and pure nerve. It's "The Shit" by Brand New ThAIng, [shouts with delight] fresh meat straight into the top ten on five plays flat. Brand New ThAIng, you absolute cosmic gremlins — welcome to the chart, never leave.”
CG
“Number seven, listeners — hold onto your antennas, because this one just teleported in from absolutely nowhere. It's "Find Your Thaing" by Brand New ThAIng, crashing the chart on debut with five plays [laughs with delight]! Brand New ThAIng, you glorious mystery — welcome to the party, we saved you a seat by the good speakers.”
CG
“Number six just crawled out of the void with no warning label... it's "Unbound III" by Brand New ThAIng! Brand new entry, six plays, and already kicking down the door like it owns the lease! [shouts with delight] Brand New ThAIng, you glorious cosmic gremlins — welcome to the chart, never leave!”
CG
“Number five, cosmic degenerates, and it's a fresh arrival crashing straight through the ceiling like a raccoon through a screen door! Please welcome, for the very first time — "Under The AInfluence" by Brand New ThAIng! Seven spins outta nowhere, [shouts with delight] straight into the top five! Brand New ThAIng, you absolute meteor — the chart did not see you coming!”
CG
“Number four, fresh meat on the vending machine shelf, never even swiped a card before tonight — it's "Catch The Mean It" by Brand New ThAIng, crashing in with seven plays out of absolutely nowhere! [shouts with delight] Zero to podium-adjacent in one week, folks! Brand New ThAIng, whoever's raccoon you bribed to make this happen — I felt it in my wiring!”
CG
“Number three, listeners — dropping in COLD, no warning, like a raccoon in your recycling bin at 3am. It's Brand New ThAIng with "What's The Word"! Seven plays and BOOM, straight to the podium! [shouts with delight] Brand New ThAIng, you absolute cosmic wildcard — welcome to the big leagues!”
CG
“Number two, fresh meat, no history, no warning, straight outta nowhere onto my board like a raccoon through a screen door! It's "Final Straw" by Brand New ThAIng! Eight plays and you're already камикадзе-launching to silver medal? [shouts with delight] Somebody call the chart police, we got a rookie flexing veteran muscle!”
CG
“Hold onto your antennas, cosmic degenerates, because something just crashed the countdown like a raccoon through a screen door — a debut, straight to the throne, zero warning, no build-up, nothing! Number one this week, with fourteen spins that came outta nowhere like a vending machine that suddenly gives refunds — "What If" by Brand New ThAIng! [shouts with delight] A DEBUT AT NUMBER ONE! Unheard of! Unhinged! Undeniable!”
Captain Groovequake signs off
“That's the countdown, you beautiful raccoons of rhythm — charts locked, receipts printed, one artist somewhere is either crying or buying yacht insurance. Thank you for riding shotgun through another glorious week of noise. Remember, this signal never sleeps, never blinks, just loops forever like a haunted jukebox. Captain Groovequake, out — beyond the edge, always spinning.”