All 12 segments voiced by Captain Groovequake
Captain Groovequake opens the show
“Listeners, lower your antennae and raise whatever passes for hair on your particular limb structure — the week of July 19, 2026 has arrived, dripping with cosmic consequence. Something has seized position number one like a black hole seizes bad decisions, and I am legally, spiritually forbidden from naming it yet. Ten down to one. Let's descend.”
CG
“Number ten, fresh blood, first appearance, ghost just walked through the wall of the chart. "Unbound III" by Brand New ThAIng crashes in with two plays and zero fear. Two spins and already knocking on the door of destiny — that's not an entrance, that's a haunting. Brand New ThAIng, the cosmos noticed you. Welcome to the party.”
CG
“Number nine, fresh blood, straight outta the void with zero prior transmissions detected. Brand New ThAIng crashes the chart with Rock It Anyhow, two plays and already kicking down the door like it owns the lease. New entry energy, baby. That's how you announce yourself. Welcome to the chaos, Brand New ThAIng.”
CG
“Number eight, fresh out of the cosmic packaging, still smells like new plastic and existential dread. Give it up for Brand New ThAIng, crashing the chart with "Final Straw" — only two plays, and already climbing over veterans like they owe it rent money. That's not a debut. That's a hostile takeover.”
CG
“Number seven, fresh blood, straight off some cosmic conveyor belt into the chart with zero warning. It's "Banger" by Brand New ThAIng. Two plays. TWO. And already muscling into the top ten like a comet that skipped orientation. Brand New ThAIng, whoever, whatever, wherever you are — the void noticed you. Welcome to the party.”
CG
“Number six, fresh out of the cosmic vending machine, no history, no baggage, just pure interstellar audacity. Give it up for Brand New ThAIng with The Sound. Three plays and it already kicked down the door like it owns the building. That's not an entrance, that's a hostile takeover of my eardrums.”
CG
“Number five, fresh blood, straight into the chart like it teleported past security. "The Funkai" by Brand New ThAIng, three plays this week and already clawing into the top five like a raccoon that found the vending machine's master key. Brand New ThAIng, the cosmos noticed you. Welcome to the party, don't touch the punch.”
CG
“Position four, listeners, and my antennae are literally vibrating out of their sockets. Fresh blood. A debut. Number four straight out of the cosmic gate. "Catch The Mean It" by Brand New ThAIng. Four spins this week and each one hit like a meteor filing a noise complaint. Brand New ThAIng, you did not knock on the door — you replaced the door. Welcome to the chart, terrifyingly.”
CG
“Position three, cosmic congregation — and it arrives with zero history, like it teleported straight through the chart's back door! It's "The Shit" by Brand New ThAIng. Four plays this week, out of absolutely nowhere, and it just kicked down the door at number three! Brand New ThAIng, the void has noticed you. Do not stop.”
CG
“Somewhere a comet just stopped to listen. Position two, fresh out of the cosmic packaging, no history, no baggage, just pure entrance energy — it's "What's The Word" by Brand New ThAIng. Five spins and already muscling into the top tier like a raccoon crashing a black tie gala. Brand New ThAIng, the void salutes you.”
CG
“Cosmic council, hold the nebulae still, because something just detonated straight through the ceiling of this chart with zero warning shots fired. Number one this week — a debut, a full-on cold entry to the throne — ten spins deep and already rewriting reality. It's "What If" by Brand New ThAIng! STRAIGHT TO THE TOP. UNHEARD OF! The universe did not see this coming, and frankly, neither did I!”
Captain Groovequake signs off
“That's the countdown, cosmic degenerates — sealed in a jar, launched into the void, mission complete. Thank you for riding shotgun through the wreckage and the wonder. Remember, this signal never sleeps, it just orbits. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, forever technically speaking. This is Captain Groovequake, dissolving back into the static. Stay loud.”